Monday, May 09, 2005

fickle?

I fear that I am fickle. One day my answer is "yes" and the next it's "no" and still another day it's, "well, maybe, I'm not sure...". I am very unsure about things. My ideas and feelings change so frequently, based on seemingly shallow things. In me is the potential to do great harm and to bring pain. I don't want to do that. Not at all. I wonder how sure I have to be in order to take a step? How much of the decision lies in my responsibility? It's a relatively new thing and I am not the only one involved. Responsibility has increased and I think it will continue to do so. Why this sick to my stomach feeling? I'm not scared. I've never been this comfortable and real... that's what scares me. God. My eyes should be on God. I can always give him more. Always. Constantly submitting my confused will to Christ. It's beautiful. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe beautiful isn't the right word. Seeing my fears dissolve because He has drenched them with his redeeming power is incredible. I don't have to make my life happen the way I think it should. I can let go. I don't have to chase after life in order to be fulfilled. He will fill me. How awesome is that? And when I do make mistakes, He lifts me up and I learn something valuable from the experience. Mistakes are inevitable and the Lord redeems them.
So on this path, He will guide me. I am certain of that. I just have to let go.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

empty space

So I was reading other people's blogs and realizing that I really have not all that much to say that would be worth reading. I
am not usually poetic, words don't usually just flow unless I am in distress. Is it better to just leave an empty space and not
speak a word when you don't have anything significant to say? Or should you say what you are thinking because you never
know who it will be significant to? Maybe it means nothing to your ears but someone else's world is shaken or challenged by
it. I wonder? What constitutes significance? Emotional pull? When something is applicable to your own life and present
situation? Seems like it. When you identify with what is being said, a person's words are alive to you. Um, I don't know where I
am going with this. I guess I was just wondering. Oh and how exactly does one read between the lines?
Sometimes I feel empty when I have to talk about race. It comes up a whole lot here and I am not one of the people who have the ability to ignore it. They won't let me. They won't ever let me forget that I am different. I don' t think I will let me forget either. But that's different. Everyday I am different, I go to class and I'm different, chapel, different, orchestra, meals, everywhere, different. I never used to think about it. I never wished I weren't different, never wished my skin wasn't brown. As a child I was told that I was beatiful and I believed it, never questioned it. Until I got older, especially when I came here. I started to question my significance and my attractiveness. I needed affirmation from somewhere to remind me that I am beautiful and worth getting to know. I am not the only one who has dealt with and is still dealing withthis struggle. All my girls have gone through it too. We hold eachother up when we need to be lifted up. What would I do without them?
My mind has been overwhelmed and darkened by the realization of the problems of race and it has seemed insurmountable, impossible and I have wanted to have the easier way out. I actually asked God why he made me mixed once. Why he made me a minority, it seemed so unfair to create me this way and then send me somewhere to college where I am different and all that I am is questioned. I felt horrible asking the Maker of the universe why he made me this way. But sometimes I wonder. Often you are not different, then you can't see the problems that different people face. I have had quite a few caucasian students ask to talk to me about race and they are so surprised at how difficult the struggle is for minority students here. They don't see the difficult situations from day to day because they can ignore it. No one reminds them that they are different, because they're not. "I really didn't think racism and racial troubles exsisted anymore", that is a common phrase I have had to have an answer to. I have hated feeling bitter and feeling hopeless. I have hated trying to fix the problems on my own. There is so much more to say, but I'll have to leave it here for now. All I know is that through the dark and heavy times God has shown his light and has reminded me that we as people cannot change the situation, nomatter how much we strive we can't change it on our own. But he can.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

summertiiiiiiime

I like that song...and I mean the one from Porgy and Bess..Well I will be leaving school on Monday, it's sad. I don't want to leave my girls and everyone else. The posse is graduating tomorrow and my heart is about ready to break. Can anyone believe that in less than two years that will be me? Oh my goodness, I am not ready for real life I don't think. Thank the Lord that it doesn't all start at once. I can ease into being independent gradually.
So I went bowling last night with "boo" and Dan and Brett and Briana, Paige, and Chutch. Well all I can say is that I used to be able to break 100 and now I am on the struggle trying to break 50... first 4 tries were gutter balls, then the ball flew out of my hand as I was bringing it behind me before throwing it...it went banging to the floor behind me and left the onlookers in hysterics...then a few gutter balls later I finally got a spare, but that was after I slipped and fell over in my attempts to send the ball down the lane. What a disaster! Hahaha! It was quite funny, no one bowled really well accept for Chutch and maybe Erik(or should I say boo?? hahaha!). Everyone had fun and I was so relieved.
Well Amtrak is my new best friend, we will be spending 18 hours together starting Monday night...wamp wamp...
Gotta go finish packing, or something. Be home soon soon soon!

Monday, May 02, 2005

Let's Stay Together

Hahaa! I just discovered that I really like Al Green! Nice and mellow and sweet, who could ask for more? Hmmm, but right now I'm listening to Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun...sooooo beautiful. And it reminds me of London last summer. Oh woe is me, why can't I go again? Well there must be other plans for me I suppse. Like weddings? No no, not mine, other people's. Those are good too. Oh oh this is a good part!! So beautiful.
Aaaak, there are hoards of people going to dinner right now, honestly, it's only 5pm are y'all starving or something? haha, I am so nosey, sitting up here talking to people who can't hear me talking to them. Haha!
Well I am leaving college soon and it is breaking my heart. I will miss my girls so much. But home will be good too. I'll see you all soon!
-T-Rux

Sunday, May 01, 2005

honestly

Honestly! Would I ever beat anyone up? How many of you can picture Heather Joy Herford beating someone up?? Yes, that's what I thought...ridiculous! I'm hurt that anyone could even think of such a thing!