and the beat goes on

Cape Town. 3 weeks and 1 day

2007-05-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

"Is it?"
I said it today. People here don't say "oh really", they say "is it". So today Chris told me something and without thinking I said "is it?". Haha! He laughed and caught it and then I realized what had done. I wish I had an accent...

sand and sun

2007-05-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

well. today at school the guys played soccer after second interval. The sun is alway shining very brightly and in a most inconvenient direction for those of us watching the game..These kids are pretty good soccer players. They keep the dirty playiing down to a minimum and usually leave the field with few injuries. Today my attention drifted past the game and onto this terrifyingly high playgroud aparatus where the smaller boys were playing. I was watching two of the boys on the ground who were wrestling, at least that's what they call it. It looks painful to me... I was concerned they'd mortally wound eachother! But I was stifling my motherly tendencies quite well. Then I noticed things change and the boys weren't playing anymore, the fighting was a little more, ah, intense...so I made my way across the sandy soccer field(the game was over) and got to the boys just in time to see one get smacked acrss the face and the other get kicked. Then they tackled eachother and went crashing to the ground, one of them in tears. When they got up I had to hold one of them back from trying to annihilate the other. They were a bit shorter thanme but it was still surprisingly hard! Thankfully sir Michael came to my rescue but not before one boy had fiercely kicked the other one...Youknow. I think boys handly ager in a much more satisfying way than girls do. They just have at it and then a day later they're friends again, bruises and all. But girls are brutal! Ugh! I'd take teaching boys over girls any day. The girls scare me I'm not gonna lie...

Another day in Cape Town

2007-05-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

After a breathtaking weekend at the waterfront and then at then at the beach, today I was back at C.G.Williams school with the crazy kids I'm getting to know better and better. Today wasn't so bad. The grad 6's are quite good generally, especially when the ringleader isn't there (I think he was suspended...). Sir Michael and Mem Wendy are as great as ever, and today I got my "baby-fix" because Sonja was in the office and she brought her baby. I got to play babysitter after the grade 6 English class was through. It was nice. Oh and Sir Michael gave me a book to read about the state Africa is in and why. I am going to force myself to focus and read it because I'd really like to know more about this continent.
On Sunday we went to another new church and I took my violin because I didn't know if they'd want me to play. I had finally completely relaxed because it was the end of the service and no one had even acknowedged the fact that I had brough an instrument...at least that's what I though...I thought I was "off the hook" but I was wrong. I played Tis So Sweet and gave a short sort of encouragement/testimony off the top of my head. I'm getting pretty good at doing things off the cuff these days...:)

Dakar, Senegal "I have no idea what time or even what day it is..."

2007-05-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

It's dark and all I can see of Senegal are the shadows and lights from the airport. I'm in AFRICA!! I think it's atarting to hit me. I am actually here! While I was on the Metro train in Paris we met a man with very dark skin and a scar on his face who said he was from Senegal. He spoke 7 languages. Anyway. That was a tangent but it was the first thing I thought of when I hear Senegal. The flight from JFK to Johannesburg stops in Senegal to drop off and pick up passengers. The stop is about half way through the 18 hour flight and the people going to Joburg have to just sit on the plane for an hour. Aaaak! They just turned off the lights! I guess I'll write more later...
Ok the lights are back on now.Wow I could see Senegal as we took off! The sun is rising so there's a little bit of hazy grey light. The ground is sandy and turfy and the buildings are all cube shaped in various sizes. The lanscape was very different from anything I've ever seen before. Oh wow! I can see the coast vaguely! HUGE white foaming waves!
"We invite you to relax and wnjoy our hospitality". So far South African airlines has been great!

I appreciate you

2006-11-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

Appreciation weekend is a beautiful thing. I can't describe how beautiful it is. I have never experienced anything like it before. I was a tough bouncer at Brotha's appreciation, got to check the list and be big bad Heather...hmmmm, yes that's me. I was very scary. Ask Rob.
Sista's appreciation was wonderful. Kinda like a dream. We have got some great brotha's here. Too bad it's taken us four years to get this all together.But I am so glad I was here to experience it!
(I'll remember this forever. Lift Every Voice. Ain't No Mountain. Baiette. Jabulani Africa (you better get it Cory Dennie!). Trying to take a group picture without Cedric needing to "say a few words". Little Mama's Crystal, Erin and Heather keepin their eyes peeled for "covenant breaking activity". Josh and his "poem" which he "committed to memory", complete with "dramatic pauses".Hot Seat "all I know is when I get home my plate better be on the table" (Cory might be the only one afraid to leave his room this morning). Most romantic thing you've ever done (Ian and his flower petals). Rob's beautiful spoken piece dedicated to his sistas. Made me tear up... Will:"I know appreciation weekend is supposed to be non-romantic, but when I see all these beautiful black women, I can't help it!" Cory: "I know!!". Will it meant so much for you to sing to us. Someday you'll be famous and we can say we knew you when.(and then there were three...sad day) John your rendition of ordinary people was to die for, you made your sista's proud! And yes, I will sing along with you whenever I know the words! All you guys, thankyou for your words about what makes a beautiful Black woman. You are great brotha's and we appreciate you!)

from the leaves

2006-10-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

I learned something from the fall leaves today. I was walking along with my eyes glued to the ground because the leaves were just so beautiful and I had this impulse to bend down and scoop all of them up. Have you ever seen something so beautiful as the patterns and fades and hues on an autumn leaf? Then I realized I couldn't possibly collect all of them. They were all so beautiful and I couldn't possibly choose the prettiest and best because no matter which one I chose there would always be one prettier. So, I thought to myself, "why don't I just enjoy them as they are? All scattered and beautifully askew on the ground? Why don't I just be and let be eh?" Beauty can be acknowledged without having to possess it. Can't it? I mean God created us, He called us good, and being called good by God is unspeakably amazing. He doesn't control us. He doesn't try to forcibly posses us. Yes He's a jealous God, and that is a beautiful thing. But He doesn't try to keep us all to himself just because He finds us beautiful. Maybe He'd like to though? Maybe He wants to scoop all His creations up and keep them, preserve them, enjoy them forever. But because we sinned He doesn't do that till we come to Him and then die and go to heaven. Maybe? Maybe I'm just philosophizing. I don't have to preserve, save or keep all the things I find to be beautiful. But I want to. I want to keep the people I love forever. I want to savor beautiful experiences forever. I want to collect and enjoy things I see as beautiful. Sometimes I forget to enjoy them while they're there and instead use all my time lamenting the fact that they won't last forever. What a sad state. But what a great lesson to learn from the leaves...

I won't worry about tomorrow

2006-09-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just want someone to tell me everything's gonna be alright. Someone who actually knows and isn't just saying it. But I don't know if that's possible. Life has lots of layers right now. Lots and lots of them and they all need help, they all need someone to tell them it's gonna be alright. All these layers. Maybe I could go to sleep and when I wake up everything will be alright. HA. Guess not. It's all waiting for me and it'll keep aiting for me till I get to it. Till I take care of it. Till I make decisions. It's aaaaalll waiting. *sigh*

M. Knight Shamlamalan....shalmamnaman...uh...

2006-09-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a while now. Sad day. Alot has changed since the last time I wrote. Life is so much like a kaleidescope sometimes. Beautiful, colorful, but constantly changing. I want to stay and write something poetic but I don't have time. I have to go dictate Mozart quartets IN THE WRONG KEY!!!! Arg! It kills me! Well off I go.

free to be...

2006-07-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

gee, my blog's kind boring. I kinda forgot about it. Haven't been online much lately.
I think life's like one of those abstract paintings you look at for a long time, and then squint at, then take ten steps back and open your eyes really wide and it keeps changing and looking like something else everytime you change your perspective. That's exciting. I want to be an artist...

soon and very soon

2006-04-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'll be in London in 11 days!
This is amazing!
I hope I love it as much this time as I did last time. It will be nice to be around all new people, all different kinds of people. I think that was one of my favorite parts last time. All the wonderful bi-racial couples, just like my parents. I guess I didn't realize how rare their combination is until I was around many more people in relationships of that combination. I just felt I belonged there. Too bad Dad doesn't want to move back...
Oh, And this time I get to come home afterwards instead of going straight back to Wheaton Bubble. I think someone needs to pop the Wheaton Bubble. I think it would be pretty traumatic if that happened though. I guess I'll have to just break out of the bubble and go my own way then. That's cool too. I can handle that. One more yea and then I do break out for real. It's exciting and scary. It seems like just yesterday that I was a Freshman with all these high hopes and dreams and now I'm an old Junior who's been hit in the side of the head with the "reality brick". Am I really considered an adult? And if I don't believe it who on earth will?
Okay I really don't like this piece I'm listening to. It's by Druckman, called Prism, and it's just spastic and atonal! Blah.
I would be really cool to play for movie sound tracks and for operas maybe. Or theatre or the ballet or opera. I should go to grad school in New York so I'll have all that at my fingertips. Yeah there's alot of competition, but you gotta be positive right?

...hi Mom...

2006-04-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

"...cause when love is gone...there's always justice...and when justice is gone...there's always force...and when force is gone...there's always Mom, hi Mom! So hold me Mom...in your long arms...so hold me Mooooom...in your automatic arms...your electronic arms...in your arms...so hold me Moooom...in your long arms...your petrocanicanical arms..."

Do you have words? I have no words. I sure don't have any words for this song. Ladies and Genlemen...Laurie Anderson.

good times

2006-04-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

Monkeybirds: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob-
Malcolm: Malcolm.
Monkeybirds: Bob, Bob, Bob.

Hahahahahahaha! What a movie.

Let it gooo let it gooooo let it gooooooo

2006-04-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

That's my new motto.

After a wonderful 2 1/2 long dinner date with my future roommate I have decided the best way to handle specific situations in life when they emerge is to just
let them go.
Sometimes my imagination is my downfall and it takes my imaginary life down this road it wasn't anywhere near going down in the first place.

Hmmm, I'm being ambiguous. Well there's a time and a place for everything. Ambiguity being one of those things. haha.

Listening to a piece by Boulez called Le Marteau sans Maitre. Not as bad as the Eight Songs For A Mad King but still not my cup of tea.
I discovered there was a rap concerto written. Yup. By Gregory Walker. AND. He's mixed. What do ya know. I haven't heard it but the concept is pretty awesome.
So I am getting locks after all. Well...at least as of right now I'm getting them. I should find out more about them first. Do a lil research.

Speaking of doing research. I finished my paper on Electro-Acoustic Music Developments in Europe. I could have done a much better job and included way more information. I think that paper should have been way longer. Like 15-20 pages and not just 10. Wow. I can't believe I actually just admitted that. But it's true.

So two of my goals in life are to become fluent in French (or Spanish) and to become a painter. Not a professional painter, but just a painter. Oh and I want to go snowboarding. And maybe sky-diving too. I should make a real list. But I seriously want to try to be a DJ. Really. I've wanted to for a while now. How cool would that be? Making music away from the violin. Can I handle that??

beneath the starry sky...

2006-04-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

...the elephant sat.

So I've been in a strange mood lately.
Ever since my Jnior recital was over on Tuesday
(which went very well by the way).

The art I've been creating lately is a sure sign
that something different is stirring in me.
It's strange.
It's just coming out of me like it has to,
like I have no choice but to move my hands where they feel to go.
It's all abstract, and yet, strangely satisfying.
Beauty has changed form in my eyes.
It's not all sunshine and flowers,
smooth tonal music and pure harmony,
smiles and laughing.
Beauty is in the shadows,
in the strong overpowering wind,
in the grey clouds and in thunder.
It's in pain.
Or rather, in the emergence of hope
after pain dissipates.
Beauty is imperfect.

I can't describe these changes.
There's a letting go,
a "hands off" sense I can't contend with.
I don't want to contend with it.
I want to keep my hands off,
or at least loosen my grip on life
and let go of the form I think it should take.
Let go of the shapes I think it should make.
See it purely for what it is and be in it.
Be fully in what life really is,
not waiting every day
for the picture of life I've created in my head to emerge.

Where is this process taking me I wonder?

the words of a French man

2006-04-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

“I’ve always considered music as a language, a form of communication, rather than an art. I work in solitude, and try to find ways of communicating, of making myself understood.” –Pierre Henry
Well said. Although I would argue that music is a form of art as well as a language. An artful language if it were.

Passports, hostels and a recital

2006-03-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

What do these three things have in common? Weeeellll,let me tell you. They are all part of the cyclone that makes up my life right now. Yup. Only about six more weeks left of my Junior year. Scary. Grad school is looming! I'm trying to be positive, but I sure do feel old. So, I started working out again and eating salads...yuck...and you know, trying to regain my youthful "glow" as I like to call it. I told my Mom I was loosing my youthful bloom...she laughed at me...sad day.
I've decided I want to learn to play basketball, even if my attempts cause people to collapse on the floor in convulsions of laughter, I still want to try. You know I think the problem with very selfconcious people is that they think to much of themselves. Ok, so that seems ridiculous, usually selfconcious or insecure people don't think enough of themselves right? Well, someone who is afraid of doing something because of what other people may think is assuming that other people will be watching them , assuming that (in a way) the world revolves around them. Seems far fetched but I think this idea may be quite valid. I should just assume no one is watching and no one cares, I mean to some extent, so I can take chances and not care what others may think. Hmmm, that was a tangent, But it made perfect sense in my head... Of to write my awesome paper on electro-acoustic music developments in Europe!! No, really it's cool!

you make me haaaaappyyyyyy

2006-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

when skies are graaaaaaaay! Okay so it's not grey outside but it's super cold. Super super cold. I walked to church, in the super cold, and then lunch and then back to the dorm and one of my wonderful (homeless)sweaters and jeans and here I am. Comfortable, warm and no school tomorrow. Life is good. Oh and I'll be home in a veeeery shooort time. Flight is booked and I'm excited. I said stoked the other day. "I'm stoked", that's what I said. Do I ever say stoked? Where did it come from?? It's this Wheaton culture rubbing off on me...weird.
So I've decided that my rommate's term "hotmessedness" is an accurate term and quite appropriate for certain *ahem* people's behavior. Certain ridiculous people's behavior. Aaaaaand, I'm done. No use getting bitter. What's done is done.
Yesterday was the coldest day in the Chicago area in two years. I think I got frostbite...

a hot mess

2006-02-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

I'm homie...

My baby

2006-01-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

Well,now could you ask for a cuter sister??

Duets...not quite a disaster...

2006-01-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

Blairford and I playing duets while Jeff played Photagrapher and read Calvin and Hobbes.

cute huh?

2006-01-16T13:30:00.000-08:00

Jeff, Lady Olivia Grace, and Blair

If I can't accept his love...

2006-01-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love.
-Donald Miller

Blue Like Jazz

2006-01-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

I've had this book for a while now and for some reason I've never read it. I sat down for a minute in my room the other day and there it was so I picked it up and started reading and I think that was the perfect moment for me to read what it was saying. Lots to think about, and it's good to be forced to think aoutside of my habitual "comfort-zone-box".
There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what he's doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.
-Donald Miller

new year now

2006-01-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

I miss home! School's fine but I miss my dear ones all the same. Even if they do drive me crazy every once in a while...
So I pretty much have nothing interesting to say and am just updating for the sake of updating. Oh but I did have some funny lyrics to write...unfortunately I can't find them...here is something else though. Kind of sad maybe? I can't really tell, but it's nice all the same.
"Like the beautiful red glow of evening, I, a poor lass, would like to shine, to please one lad, one lad, to radiate bliss unendingly."
So there's nice poetry for you. I believe it's the text of lieder by Brahms. hmmm, good stuff. That's how song lyrics used to be back in the day. Aaaaah yes.

I know its only been three hours...

2005-12-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

I forget the rest of the song. Sweet song though.
Hmmm, I aced my Ear Training test today. At least I'll be doing well on one of my exams...ahem. Anyway. It's hailing outside, that's not fun at all. Snow, yes. Hail, not so much. On my way home to the three guys tomorrow. Just Dad and Phil and Bran there, I'm afraid of what I'll find.Surely the house needs a woman's touch. Haha! We'll have a jolly old time. I just figured out ow to make penguins out of light bulbs, Liv is gonna love it! Yes I'm sure you're all wondering how on earth I have time to make light bulb penguins during finals week? Well I didn't actually make one, I saw one somewhere and thought it was cute.
So I want a puppy for Christmas...what are the chances of that happening? oh probably one in a gazillion...*sniff, sniff*.
Ok so I like college now, I think i may miss it when I leave. I always miss things that I leave, no matter how much I thought I hated it. Wellllll...except for that one time my parents drove me to summer camp like 5 hours away and LEFT me there for a week (yes, gasp if you must, I know an entire week is hard to believe, but it's true...ooooh it's true)and as they were driving away I ran out of the chapel and chased the car...but alas!! My poor dear heart! They...didn't see me... I chased the car...well, sort of. And they just...kept...driving...and I was a young tender age of nin. Oh sad sad memories. I don't miss that at all.
All dramatic recollections of my past aside, I must go somewhere, I think I should be doing something and I can't remember what...oooh practicing sight singing...do-mi-sol-mi-do-sol-do. Right. *isert facial expression of extreme displeasure...*

mystery? or not.

2005-12-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christams that is so romantic? I have heard of a few couples who may be getting engaged over Christmas, and some couples who got engaged over Christmas last year. Why Christmas? Cause it's cozy and there's time away from work and school and all the family is together and all that stuff? There are soooo many Christmas songs about mushy romantic stuff I don't know what to do with myself! All I want to do is throw a snowball at my roommate! Well, er. yeah. And she's an old woman so I can't even do that!! Clearly I should be writing my paper right now and not be having a holiday outburst...off I go.

how sweet

2005-12-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

one dozen pale pink roses. There's something so special about getting flowers I just can't explain it. What a nice surprise.

for the guys

2005-11-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

A few signs from the pink army to the red army to give a lil moral support at their last extravaganza ever here at Wheaton College. We love you guys!

indecisive

2005-11-19T22:45:00.000-08:00

Okay so I'm going home tomorrow, which is actually 2 days earlier than I was planning on going home. I thought this was wonderful. Until just now when I realized that I actually feel a bit guilty about missing class. Why do I feel guilty? Could I be a perfectionist? I thought in order to be a prefectionist you had to actually do things reeeeallly really reaaaallly well. Like almost perfect. Well is it possible to be a perfectionist in your mind but then have none of it translate into your behavior so that noone would ever know you were a perfectionist unless you told them?????? Um, that probably made very little sense. But I know what I mean, sort of...
There's nothing I can do to change circumstances now. I am going home tomorrow and I am missing classes on Monday and Tuesday. I am trying to get all of my homework done before I leave and I am taking work home with me, which I loathe doing by the way. I will enjoy this break and I will stop beating myself up about missing class okay? Okay.

oh happy day

2005-11-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

I will

2005-11-06T01:25:00.000-08:00

If you tell me to go, I'm gonna tell you I will, cause I love you that much. If you tell me to stay and be still I will, cause I love you that much.~mary mary/"love you that much"

If you asked me to put it all down, to walk away from it and to step into something you have for me, I could do it. I would do it. I would cast it all away, all the years, all the work, in exchange for being filled with the Holy Spirit. I would do it. I could do it. I'd need only your firm urging, your steady direction, your strength, and I'd make the move. It's scary, like a little kid jumping off a high wall into their Dad's arms. Scary and exciting. You know Daddy won't drop you. You know he wouldn't tell you to jump if he wasn't sure he'd catch you. You're still a little scared, still a little nervous, but in your deepest places you know without a doubt that you'll be fine. You'll be better than fine, because there's no better place to be than in your Father's arms, right? Yeah I think that's right.

a beautiful thing

2005-11-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

making dreams come true...

2005-10-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

so you thought you'd never be able to play the violin huh? Well with my help, you're a pro!!

My Puppy

2005-10-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

Okay so I am a little delusional...this is not my puppy at all. But someday I gotta get one!

c'mon I was tired guys!

2005-10-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

So I've been getting very little sleep lately and it's starting to show in my everyday conversations. Last night at our awsesome little Bible study I was trying to describe something to the girls. See I had been walking along outside earlier that day,looking at the beautiful sky, wearing a huge, happy grin on my face. I was so happy to be alive and outside and just content and settled and(this is the random part) very happy to be single! So I said to the girls during Bible study that night, "Guys, I just looked at the sky and I was just so happy*blah blah blah*...to be single!". The girls thought I had said that I was looking at "this guy" and that made me so happy to be single. They were all laughing and everything and I tried to go on with my story, this time pronouncing the words more carefully. So I started over and then decided to replace "the sky" for "the heavenly body" I really meant the sky!!...Needless to say they completely misunderstood my meaning and ended up laughing hysterically again.It took me a while to get why they were laughing...
ah sleep deprivation...

cool beans

2005-09-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm always a lil late in discovering music, but I have just fallen for Mat Kearney. Hey his wife's name is Heather! Haha. Um anyway. This song is great. I love how his sound doesn't match the way he looks... at all. That's what I like to see.

Yesterday I was sitting. recalling. reminiscing
Trying to remember whenever there was nobody listening
Before the hugging and the kissing, the booing and the hissing
All I had was just a vision,
All I had was my ambition
Your love without condition
Kept me swinging when I'm missing
My eyes upon the prize
Kept me striving for the mission
When I was down for the count, falling out of commission
I can hear you voice now screaming out "son, listen"
Get on up, don't give up, though you struck opposition
Time to buck all that stuff, find out what's your condition
Like a pull in my soul, like keys in my ignition
Call you all my commission, my love and my vision and...

It doesn't matter if they call me wrong
Doesn't matter if they steal my song
Doesn't matter if we're all alone
It doesn't matter at all

'Cause I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would cross any line, I'd swim across the sea
I would take a bullet for you
I would take a bullet for you
I would lose it all, I'd take my fall
To show you it's for real

Remember when we used to flow together back in the park
You would slang guitar licks under the stars in the dark
You'd say let's grow together as this world falls apart
I was holding on to hope but hardly holding a spark
All the rhymes that I wrote you'd call dope from the start
I'd be like a pure note. like a quote on the mark
You'd go to every show and promote from the start
From the beginning we've been building much more than this art
Remember bearing scars in you car to impart you heart
You cared enough to call my bluff through the junk from the start
That's why you're holding onto half of my heart
You've been there through the times,
Through the nights that were dark and....

The House

2005-09-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of a hip hop church? A church of the streets? Well neither had I but I went to one last night. Guess who was there? Corey Red and Precise. That was cool, felt like home and being back in the body shop again. So this church meets once a month and it's for teens and up in Lawndale. There are hip hop artists who spit and some dancers like the Sisters in Christ and some singers and poets. Oh oh oh and of course, the DJ'S. Actually saw Dj Terrence again. And there were breakers too, some of them were a hot mess...but others, like Dan, were hot. Asian ghetto. It's a beautiful thing.
Went to the jazz fest yesterday too, that was cool. Lots of music, lots of art. The fountain was beautiful as always, and the lake too. It was a perfect day for it. Oh and there's the cutest little sub shop (no really , it's tiny) that is good and oh so cheap. Keep that one on our "to visit" list.
It's Labor Day weekend. No class tomorrow. Homework! Yaya! Oh and Kris finally comes in tomorrow. That girl missed two weeks of class! hot mess...
Gonna go get my work on. Wahoo!!

...and your grace has found me just as I am...

Amazing!

2005-08-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's 4:15 and I've just entered a practice room after studio class, fully intending to practice for 30 minutes until my audition. Orchestra audition that is. But not just any old audition, it's the concertmaster audition. A little bit more weighty than regular orchestra auditions. I'm in the practice room, playing away when I hear a knock on my door. I opened the door to find my violin professor (who also happens to be one of the two audition judges...) who informed me that it was time for my audition. Now let me give a little background. The conservatory has very (very)powerful air conditioning and is always absolutely freezing. This is horrible for the fingers when trying to practice so I've taken to storing a huge green sweatshirt in my locker which I throw on over whatever I happen to be wearing at the time of practice. I was wearing this green giant when my prof came to the door. Underneath this green sweater I was dressed up for the audition, as I should have been, but who could tell?? I was a hot mess guys, really. How could I have lost track of time? I went hurrying out of the room with prof/judge on my tail only to run into the ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR (also one of the judges...also looking for me...) who was waiting in the foyer. Goodness. Can you all say FlLUSTERED??? So that wasn't the best way to go into a stressful audition and I felt that I played it horrible. Almost broke down on my way out after I had completely bombed the sight-reading. Feeling like a bit of a failure I "stormed" out of the conservatory hoping not to run into anyone I knew so I wouldn't have to talk.
The room mates were great. They still loved me even though I felt awful. They didn't believe I had bombed it, even when I sang my own rendition of my horrendous sight reading attempts...
I checked the post board to see if the seatings were posted and there was my prof again who announced that there were five (yes five) concertmasters this semester and I (yes me) was one of them.
*speachless* (let's have a moment of silence...)
Okay. God is good. What else can I say? Yes He would have been just as good if I had gotten a bad seat too. But I'm realizing that He really does want to bless His children and give us good things. He's not intent on punishing us for our mistakes just so that we suffer. It seems like the Lord has given me another chance. Sounds dramatic I know, but I'm not sure that it is.
I'm determined to use this blessing for His glory and honor. I know I cannot succeed without Him and wherever my life shows success should be pointing to Him and His Awesome power. It's Amazing.

????

2005-08-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

What just happened? Where did all taht come from? Utter confusion!

zoning

2005-08-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

I think it's funny how this blog has only been viewed like eight times and yet I continue to write in it...
So I'm zoning and I have nothing good to say. I was wondering though. Why does it seem so hard to find a friend who feels about you the way you feel about them? For example, I have a friend who I think of calling first whenever something happens that I want to talk about. However when something happens to this friend, I am choice number two on the phone list. This isn't bad really, just a little tiny bit disapointing at times. Or there are other friends who think of me more that I think of them. That just makes me feel really really bad. So how does this work? Will there always be these unbalanced levels of friendship? Not that the friendships are bad or anything like that, but they are jsut confusing and occasionally frustrating too! Is it okay to look for that one friend who feels about you the way you do about them? Does that kind of friendship exsist? Of course it does! I've seen it! So the question is, how do I become a better friend?
...you live and learn...

be still

2005-08-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

Being around all these freshmen brings back memories of Freshman year and the blur that was my life as I remember it. Parents leaving me in this unknown land. Man I am so glad that time of my life is over with. Of course it wasn't all bad, but why is it that our brains often tend to more vividly remember pain? Or maybe that's my brain? Is it different with different people? Like the whole glass half empty or half full thing? Perhaps.
Oh these bright eyed and bushy tailed freshmen. Eyes wide open, radar up, "Oooo I wonder if that could be my future girlfriend/boyfriend?? Husband? Wife??". Every open floor turns into a huge event where one group tries to impress those of the opposite sex. They get dressed up for all meals and study in the Stupe where no one can truly focus on getting any work done. And yet you gotta love it. It's life! People felt that way about us when we arrived here but that didn't stop us did it? Just because an experience has already been had by some people doesn't mean that it is over and done with and no one else will ever has that experience. That's good. And people move on,but there is always someone there to take the place that they left empty.
So Raashon is quite enthusiastic about me trying this hip hop thing and sort of becoming the next Miri Ben Ari. The next Hip Hop Violinist. We'll see how that turns out now won't we. Ooooh the possibilities.

is it now?

2005-08-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

I think randomivity should be a word.
So I went on a zip line last night (or is it a rip line? I dunno) I had to climb this tree and then jump off holding onto this handle which swung me sailing through my orchestra conductors back yard and straight into the tree that the other end of the rope was tied to. My legs just weren't quite long enough to touch the ground before I got to the tree so I could try to stop myself. So I cut my hand but didn't even notice cause I was laughing so hard. Now it hurts though. Oh the things I try to do to keep up with the boys...football throwing, basketball shooting and one-on-one, death-by-speed frisbee throwing and yes, zip lining. I think it's a complex I developed over the years because of having so many brothers...who knows.

been a while...

2005-08-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

...since I seen you smiiiiiiile. Haha. That is a song right? Gee, it has been a while since I've updated this thing. Johnny, your comments made me happy.I don't think I had ever seen some of them before tho...we might have to fight...
College has once again spread its loving arms open wide, welcoming me back into the picturesque harbor that it provides...and when I didn't come running willingly to be embraced by it has snatched me by the neck with a cane (like in the old movies when they wanted to get someone off stage...) and dragged me into its bone crushing squeeze. Theres....no....escape... Okaaaaaay okay so it's not that bad. But a little dramatic license never hurt anybody right? riiiiight.
Some of you may be thinking, "but I thought she loved school and didn't want to come home just a few months ago??? What's the delio?", I know I know, but I fell in love with home again. Those people are great, family and not, I love them all and my heart wants to be there. The grass is always greener over yonder so I am determined not to waste the time I have here even when my heart is only half here now. Sound like a good plan?
Speaking of plans. Anyone have any good suggestions how to hoard off this terrifying rush of couples being created? College is killer for this stuff! I think I am behind or something, I don't want all that just yet but I seem to be one of the only ones...what is the world comming to????

fickle?

2005-05-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

I fear that I am fickle. One day my answer is "yes" and the next it's "no" and still another day it's, "well, maybe, I'm not sure...". I am very unsure about things. My ideas and feelings change so frequently, based on seemingly shallow things. In me is the potential to do great harm and to bring pain. I don't want to do that. Not at all. I wonder how sure I have to be in order to take a step? How much of the decision lies in my responsibility? It's a relatively new thing and I am not the only one involved. Responsibility has increased and I think it will continue to do so. Why this sick to my stomach feeling? I'm not scared. I've never been this comfortable and real... that's what scares me. God. My eyes should be on God. I can always give him more. Always. Constantly submitting my confused will to Christ. It's beautiful. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe beautiful isn't the right word. Seeing my fears dissolve because He has drenched them with his redeeming power is incredible. I don't have to make my life happen the way I think it should. I can let go. I don't have to chase after life in order to be fulfilled. He will fill me. How awesome is that? And when I do make mistakes, He lifts me up and I learn something valuable from the experience. Mistakes are inevitable and the Lord redeems them.
So on this path, He will guide me. I am certain of that. I just have to let go.

empty space

2005-05-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

So I was reading other people's blogs and realizing that I really have not all that much to say that would be worth reading. I
am not usually poetic, words don't usually just flow unless I am in distress. Is it better to just leave an empty space and not
speak a word when you don't have anything significant to say? Or should you say what you are thinking because you never
know who it will be significant to? Maybe it means nothing to your ears but someone else's world is shaken or challenged by
it. I wonder? What constitutes significance? Emotional pull? When something is applicable to your own life and present
situation? Seems like it. When you identify with what is being said, a person's words are alive to you. Um, I don't know where I
am going with this. I guess I was just wondering. Oh and how exactly does one read between the lines?
Sometimes I feel empty when I have to talk about race. It comes up a whole lot here and I am not one of the people who have the ability to ignore it. They won't let me. They won't ever let me forget that I am different. I don' t think I will let me forget either. But that's different. Everyday I am different, I go to class and I'm different, chapel, different, orchestra, meals, everywhere, different. I never used to think about it. I never wished I weren't different, never wished my skin wasn't brown. As a child I was told that I was beatiful and I believed it, never questioned it. Until I got older, especially when I came here. I started to question my significance and my attractiveness. I needed affirmation from somewhere to remind me that I am beautiful and worth getting to know. I am not the only one who has dealt with and is still dealing withthis struggle. All my girls have gone through it too. We hold eachother up when we need to be lifted up. What would I do without them?
My mind has been overwhelmed and darkened by the realization of the problems of race and it has seemed insurmountable, impossible and I have wanted to have the easier way out. I actually asked God why he made me mixed once. Why he made me a minority, it seemed so unfair to create me this way and then send me somewhere to college where I am different and all that I am is questioned. I felt horrible asking the Maker of the universe why he made me this way. But sometimes I wonder. Often you are not different, then you can't see the problems that different people face. I have had quite a few caucasian students ask to talk to me about race and they are so surprised at how difficult the struggle is for minority students here. They don't see the difficult situations from day to day because they can ignore it. No one reminds them that they are different, because they're not. "I really didn't think racism and racial troubles exsisted anymore", that is a common phrase I have had to have an answer to. I have hated feeling bitter and feeling hopeless. I have hated trying to fix the problems on my own. There is so much more to say, but I'll have to leave it here for now. All I know is that through the dark and heavy times God has shown his light and has reminded me that we as people cannot change the situation, nomatter how much we strive we can't change it on our own. But he can.

summertiiiiiiime

2005-05-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

I like that song...and I mean the one from Porgy and Bess..Well I will be leaving school on Monday, it's sad. I don't want to leave my girls and everyone else. The posse is graduating tomorrow and my heart is about ready to break. Can anyone believe that in less than two years that will be me? Oh my goodness, I am not ready for real life I don't think. Thank the Lord that it doesn't all start at once. I can ease into being independent gradually.
So I went bowling last night with "boo" and Dan and Brett and Briana, Paige, and Chutch. Well all I can say is that I used to be able to break 100 and now I am on the struggle trying to break 50... first 4 tries were gutter balls, then the ball flew out of my hand as I was bringing it behind me before throwing it...it went banging to the floor behind me and left the onlookers in hysterics...then a few gutter balls later I finally got a spare, but that was after I slipped and fell over in my attempts to send the ball down the lane. What a disaster! Hahaha! It was quite funny, no one bowled really well accept for Chutch and maybe Erik(or should I say boo?? hahaha!). Everyone had fun and I was so relieved.
Well Amtrak is my new best friend, we will be spending 18 hours together starting Monday night...wamp wamp...
Gotta go finish packing, or something. Be home soon soon soon!

Let's Stay Together

2005-05-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hahaa! I just discovered that I really like Al Green! Nice and mellow and sweet, who could ask for more? Hmmm, but right now I'm listening to Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun...sooooo beautiful. And it reminds me of London last summer. Oh woe is me, why can't I go again? Well there must be other plans for me I suppse. Like weddings? No no, not mine, other people's. Those are good too. Oh oh this is a good part!! So beautiful.
Aaaak, there are hoards of people going to dinner right now, honestly, it's only 5pm are y'all starving or something? haha, I am so nosey, sitting up here talking to people who can't hear me talking to them. Haha!
Well I am leaving college soon and it is breaking my heart. I will miss my girls so much. But home will be good too. I'll see you all soon!
-T-Rux

honestly

2005-05-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

Honestly! Would I ever beat anyone up? How many of you can picture Heather Joy Herford beating someone up?? Yes, that's what I thought...ridiculous! I'm hurt that anyone could even think of such a thing!

words

2005-04-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

I love unexpected conversations that arise when you least expect them to...
I'm on the struggle. I need someone to talk to and everyone's booked. Even Mom and Dad! They're out on a date. Yeah, the 20 yr old daughter is slaving away in a stuffy 3x3 practice room while after 24 years the parents are on a date. I think it's hilarious that they went to see Guess Who. Not only that but they liked it! Hahaa! I thought that movie was great by the way.
So yeah, I'm "on the struggle" as Kim would say(or should I call her K-Bling"?? Lots of "inner turmoil"...well not really turmoil, just new things going on that I want to bounce off of someone else. Someone with more experience than me. BUt there is no one around right now, so I'm gonna pray. And then get back to the practicing. Recital in 2 days! Aaaaak!

coffee

2005-04-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

THE TRUTH: YOU NEED TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND YOU'RE GOING CRAZY

This really is deep guys

2005-04-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Thy glorious rest above!

2. O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Spread His praise from shore to shore!
How He loveth, ever loveth,
Changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o’er His loved ones,
Died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth,
Watcheth o’er them from the throne!

3. O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Love of every love the best!
’Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
’Tis a haven sweet of rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus,
’Tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to Thee!

what are the chances?

2005-04-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, Friday night I was gettin' it at the hip hop concert (ok ok ok I know I can't really dance, but I was tryin'). I was feeling the rappers and the b-boys and of course the dj's stole my heart... I even met Dj Terrence (I'll just call him that, I really don't know if that was what he called himself...). Then Saturday night I was soaking up an evening of Verdi and Puccini. Not only that but I fell in "love" with a chubby tenor! Oh his voice was exquisite! If I were a man I would want my voice to sound just like that.
PRAISE BREAK!!!!

still goin'

2005-04-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so the beat always goes. Hear it? Right now, it's going. But it's slow, it's dragging. It's waiting for inspiration. Liberation? Why do this? Why work so hard and throw so much into it? What is it all for? Who is it all for? Why? As powerful as this thing is, there must be something much more powerful behind it, driving it, inspiring it, reviving it and giving it life. I know Who it's for. How do I offer it? I know Who It's from. How on earth can I say thankyou? How do I let it out! It's in here, in me, but there's no way out. Doors? Windows? Locked? Barred? What? I want to give it freely and with abandon. WIth all that I have I want to give it up. I know it's beautiful, reflective of the One who put it here. Breath-taking, tear-jerking, joyful, mournful, full of life. But it's cloudy and blocked and I need to get it out. The way's not clear. Make it clear...

...it always goes on...

Julliard?

2005-04-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'd really like to go to Julliard some day...maybe for grad school? But I'd really have to start practicing alot more than I do now...we're talking 5-6 hours per day. And that's a minimum! Eastman would be good too. Now's the time to start preparing, after all, it wasn't raining when Noah started building the ark. If you know what I mean.

I like...

2005-04-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

I like...

I like...
...falling asleep to a thunderstorm at night
...getting butterflies when I look at the night sky
...salsa dancing!
...shooting hoops with Steaghvyie
...making faces at friends during orchestra rehersal
...surprises
...having my little sister wake me up in the morning "ARE YOU
AWAKE!!??"
...being friends with my brother
...being loved
...meeting new people
...layovers in airports
...sending packages to people
...getting phone messages from family and friends
...singing and worshipping God
...the Prince of Egypt soundtrack
...confidence
...organizing anything and everything
...a good deep bass sound
...mixing hip hop with classical music (ie. Alicia Keys "Karma")
...a performance offered with abandon, nothing held back
...watching a movie and cleaning my room all alone
...giving endearing nicknames to people I don't know (Trayvon, Moshay,
Twinkle Toes)
...children singing
...trumpet playing
...giving surprises
...hearing stories about peoples childhoods
...going to art galleries and museums
...waking up early and walking to the conserve when I am the only one around
...Sunday nights when my homework is done!

technically challenged

2005-04-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Computers are our friends eh? NOT feelin' it. Come on WORK with me! Sorry for all the confusion y'all. I am a scatterbrain half the time and I forgot my password. The ridiculous thing wouldn't send it to me...sooo I created a new account. All's well that ends well I always say. I'm back and it's all good...for now anyway...